She's Gone, I Think

I woke up this morning to hear Mom's voice on the answering machine. The phone and my cell phone had rung several times, but I was too tired to get up. There wasn't anyone, so I thought, that I wanted to talk to that early (before 8:30) in the morning. Then I heard Mom's voice on the machine, very hushed, "Well, Bridget, I think she's gone. There was the fire department here and peramedics are everywhere and they're trying to figure out if she's still breathing." I jumped out of bed but by the time I reached the phone, she was gone.

When I called Mom back, she said there were still lots of strange men in the house and that Jim was talking to Dr Burns at Hospice and that they might be taking her there. She said it hadn't snowed with ice but had rained, but that the boys didn't have school. I can't imagine why not. We talked a little and then she said she wanted to find out what was going on and would call me back later. She said that Dad wanted to stay but she just wanted to leave. I'm so glad Fred is there.

My first reaction while I searched for my cell phone to call her back had been to start hyperventilating. Why did I leave? Why did I leave? Thank goodness Mary hadn't been there. It would have been so upsetting for her. Oh, who cares? She wouldn't have remembered it anyway. How are the boys doing? Mom said she feels detached. I said shock, but she didn't seem to think so. She said she's just so relieved that Gina isn't suffering anymore. She said that Gina had moaned all night and Fred had been sitting with her, that her eyes had been rolling back in her head and she wasn't aware of who they were. Her breath got shallower and then just seemed to stop. Could it be that she's still alive? I joked with Mom that Gina would come to and wake up at Hospice and yell, "Jim!!!!!!!"

Did she take something she shouldn't have? She was looking through all of her medicine yesterday. She and Jim wanted to try to use things up so they didn't have to reorder other things. Pills are expensive. She also spent a lot of time organizing all of her supplies from the TPN machine company so they could place a new order. Mom and I were joking because she kept saying crazy things, so we wondered what that list would look like. She was making a great effort to get back control of things. I'd made a new chart of what she was to get and when and she said she would decide that.

Mom said she'd gotten out a Fentanyl sucker last night and laid it by her bed. When Mom asked her why (she hadn't had any since she'd been in the hospital and her pain pump hadn't been adjusted right), she replied, "Just in case." Mom also said that Fred said she kept trying to stick her finger down her throat last night. What happened? What was she feeling? One of her friends told me recently that she had told Gina once, "You sound so good!" to which Gina replied, "I sound good for you." Did she feel worse than we thought? I thought she was being honest about her pain level.

She kept saying she would go fast, but I didn't think it would be that fast. I'm tempted to think, in some melodramatic, romantic way that she waited till I left. But then I'm also tempted to think that if I'd been there, I could/would have done something different and she'd still be here. Wrong on both counts, I'm sure. Just rationalizations.

Gina's birthday is the day after tomorrow.

Before Mom hung up she said the paramedics said that Gina's body was already cooling down. They all thought she was gone. Is it so hard to determine if someone is dead? In this day and age? I guess it's a good thing I wasn't there. I would probably have been hysterical. I get that way when I have to call 911 for Mary.

I wrote half of this with the cat on my lap. She's very clingy after having been alone for a month. Sometimes it's really nice to have pets.

Oh, Mitch, I just wanted to let you know that she got your flowers yesterday and commented several times on how beautiful they were.